Current Size

So I’ve lost a few more pounds (my ribcage is now 28 inches) and, along with it, about half a cup size. At the moment, a 28H seems to be the best-fitting size for most bras (28HH is better for bras like Curvy Kate Tease Me).

Here’s a 28H (worn on tightest hooks) Tease Me that I got this summer:

This is what it looks like once I’ve been wearing it for a while. (The red mark is due to my terrible habit of slouching.) I’m coming out of the top of the cup and a 28HH would be a lot better… but it’s a comfy bra and I wear it with tank tops/other shirts that don’t show the quad-boob. Anyway, I didn’t review it because I knew I was buying a too-small bra and didn’t feel quite right trying to review something that I knew wouldn’t fit. If it’s any help, I’d totally buy this bra again in a 28HH!

Anyway, I’m waiting for a few things to come in the mail (none of which are 28Hs… I’ll have to alter some bands), so there are some reviews coming up!

 

Closet Cleaning…

I’ve had a few major changes in my life in the past few months and, in the craziness, I’ve realized that the amount of stuff that I have is really weighing me down.

You might assume that, as a broke college student, I wouldn’t have so much stuff… but actually, being broke is the main reason why I hoard. Growing up, my family was poor, so I got used to wanting things and not getting them. So when I did get a thing, it was a big deal… and I clung to my things as though I’d never have a “thing” again. My family’s situation improved and I got more things… but I couldn’t quite shake the mentality of “you must keep every thing because you might never get a thing again!”. This seems to be a fairly common problem for people who grew up in similar situations.

Anyway, with all of the changes in my life, I decided to start making active and positive changes. One of those changes has been to get rid of all of my “things” that I can’t use anymore. Like books that I’m not going to read again… and clothes. I have incredible amounts of clothing that hasn’t fit me since 8th or 9th grade (I’m a senior in college now)… and incredible amounts of clothing that never quite fit me (damn boobs). I had considered purging my closet, but the very thought of it terrified me. But a few weeks ago, I finally sorted through my clothes and decided to get rid of roughly 1/3 of my clothing. I gave about half of it to a friend and am planning to consign the rest of it (since I do need money to buy clothing that actually fits me).

And I am so glad that I did. I had been clinging to all of that stuff for years… and it was weighing me down.

Grab Bags

Sorry for the long hiatus. I had some rather large and unexpected things come up. I should (hopefully) be posting regularly again.

Over the summer, I’ve lost about 10 lbs and (with some gained in my boobs). At the moment, 28HHs are fitting relatively well.

I recently ordered a “grab bag” of 2 bras from Breakout Bras. It appears that they are not currently offering the grab bags, but it’s a pretty good deal when it’s around. You get two mystery bras (not new styles) in the size of your choice for $35. While you can’t exactly ask for specific things, they will try to honour requests for certain colours/styles/brands. I ordered a grab bag of 2 28HH bras and said that I preferred padded plunge bras (unpadded Cleo bras okay). After dealing with some issues with my shipping address, I received two Cleo bras: Lucy and Chloe.

I love Lucy (haha) and the 28HH was a perfect fit… but I’m very much not a hot-pink kind of gal. I’m hoping to sell/trade this for something a bit less hot-pink:

Chloe is gorgeous, but the fit is strange. It’s definitely a tight 28 (mostly due to the non-stretchy fabric that makes up part of the band) and, though the bottoms of the cups fit perfectly, the lace section at the top is huge on me. I have “full-on-top” breasts, so I really wasn’t expecting this:

Since the band and bottoms of the cups fit, I’m considering just altering the lace section. Plus, I prefer low-cut bras.

So I’m still sort of without well-fitting bras (with the exception of the hot-pink Lucy), but I am hoping to remedy that soon.

Brief update

No, this isn’t an update regarding panties… but it does involve bras.

My ribcage is now 28.5 inches. The number on the scale is exactly the same, but I’ve lost an inch from almost everything except my boobs. I think I need a 28HH now, so I plan to alter all of my well-worn (ie: unsellable) bra bands and to sell all of my like-new 30 band bras.

I want to order new bras, but my size is changing so rapidly that I fear I’d be a different size by the time they arrive!

Body Dysmorphic Disorder

Apparently, I have no idea what I look like. I’ve known for a while that I’ve had some issues with distorted body image, but I’ve recently realized that my problems are more than just not liking my own body… I really have no idea what it looks like. Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD) causes sufferers to perceive (often imagined) flaws as disfiguring. They can look at others normally, but will notice even the smallest blemishes on their own bodies. Another common manifestation of BDD (one which I am very familiar with) is excessive “grooming” (ie: plucking hairs, picking blemishes, etc).

To give you an idea of how bizarre BDD really is: Once I was looking at a picture of a group. I noticed that one woman’s body was very attractive and remarked “wow, she’s hot”. I was mortified when I looked at her face and realized that the “hot” woman was actually me. Had I seen my face before the rest of my body, I would have been disgusted with what I saw.

Every once in a while, I look in the mirror, forget who I’m looking at, and actually like what I see. But as soon as I remember who I’m looking at, I suddenly feel much heavier. Though I know my weight, I imagine myself as looking much larger than I am. When I see someone who I think looks about my size, I usually find that they are 25-150 lbs heavier than I am. On a good day, my guess is within 25 lbs… on an average day, I’m about 75 lbs off… and on a bad day, I apparently think I look morbidly obese.

By doctors’ standards, I am overweight. I am overweight by about 15 lbs… but I often wonder how much of that is my hair (I have 3 feet of hair) and my larger-than-average breasts (neither of which contribute to weight that I should worry about). I also have reason to think that a good amount of my weight is muscle. But either way, I’m at least somewhat overweight.

That being said, I am going to stop referring to myself as “fat”. I used to think it was okay to do so, since I’m technically overweight… but using the term “fat” hasn’t helped out my psyche in the least bit. The term “fat”, to me, has always been a comparison to others. I’ve always felt like the “fattest” person in my friend group, even when I was underweight. I thought I was being honest with myself, but constantly (subconsciously) comparing myself to others only makes my disconnect with my body worse.

“Fat” has also become a term of aesthetic judgement. I know for a fact that there are plenty of beautiful people who would be beautiful at almost any weight. But even taking “fat” merely as a term to describe a general build, I have issues with it. Given my problems with BDD, I may never know what I actually look like… so I’m really not at a place to judge whether or not I’m “fat”. My battle with weight should be about health, which is something I can judge, and not about looks. (Edit: Weight doesn’t always equal health (plenty of overweight people are much healthier than normal weight people), but my weight problems are exacerbating some health issues.) So, since my concerns are about my health, I’m going to stick to the term “overweight” and stop calling myself “fat”.

Weight Loss

I lost a few (4) pounds over the past week (rather unexpectedly) and my underbust now measures 29.5 inches (down from 30.5 a week ago). My 32 bands really need alteration now… and even new 30 bands are starting to fit better on the middle hook. I’m planning on altering things, but I might wait a bit longer, since I could very well lose more weight from my ribcage in the next few weeks. My boobs are still semi-inflated (womp womp), but will hopefully shrink at least a tiny bit!

Normally, losing 4 lbs in a week is something to worry about, since it’s a lot of weight to lose in such a short amount of time. And it’s unexpected, because I’ve been eating a LOT (well, a lot for me… probably about 1,500 calories/day). To put this in perspective, prior to going on thyroid medication, I’d gain weight if I ate more than 900 calories/day. At my weight and activity level, I should be losing weight if I am eating less than 2,200 calories/day… but I’m just not used to my body working normally! It’s really nice to be able to lose weight like a normal person!

The weight loss is probably due to a combination of factors:

  • walking about 5 (hilly) miles a day
  • better selection of groceries (just moved back to college), more low GI foods
  • the changes in my thyroid medication starting to take effect (FYI: it’s a super-low dose… 35 mcg of Tirosint/day)

The other interesting thing is that I’ve been eating mostly carbs. I’m getting enough protein (there’s more than you’d guess in most vegetables and even bread is a great source) and the high-carb diet has also stopped the terrifying low blood sugars that I’ve always had problems with. The most important thing is that they are complex carbs. I’m eating boatloads (okay, not literal boatloads) of radishes, greens, fresh figs, sourdough bread, etc. Because they are more slowly absorbed, my blood sugar is staying at a good place all day. Some people’s bodies do well on a low-carb diet… and other people’s bodies don’t. What matters is that you eat what’s right for your body.

I’m cautiously happy about the weight loss, but am going to be extra-careful not to eat too little while exercising this much. One complication is that I still have no appetite. It’s not difficult for me to simply forget to eat… and when I do remember to eat, I have to force myself to eat more than I want to. To combat this, I’ve been trying to eat more calorie-dense foods (chocolate, avocado, olives, cheese, etc). My fingers are crossed, hoping that the weight loss continues slowly and safely.